Battle For Ohio

Welcome to another Friday edition of quick hits.  I will look back on the week and try to offend as many people as possible.  Enjoy.

Quick Hits coming at ya!

• Randy Johnson wins his 300th game.  Just add this to his already long list of hall of fame credentials.  He has pitched a perfect game, a no hitter, he has 5 Cy Young awards, won a world series and was co-mvp, has been selected to 10 all star games and one of a few to defeat every major league team.  But most importantly, he rocked a mullet for most of his life.  Randy looks like a cross between “trailer park guy,”  “70′s porno guy” and a giraffe.  Boom, roasted.

• Kyle Bush destroys trophy guitar.  After winning a race in Nashville the trophy given is a Gibson guitar.  Kyle decided to go all rock and roll legend on everyone and smashed it to pieces minutes after receiving it.  After a lot of backlash here is what Kyle had to say about it.  “Everybody’s (smashed a guitar) except race car drivers. Those sorry saps take it home in one piece. I’ll break it up and share it with the team.”  Yeah I am sure that was his initial intention.  Dear Kyle, smashing an award that was just given to you makes you look like an arrogant child.     Bobby Allison and Cale Yarborough called and said that you looked like an idiot.  Boom, roasted.

• Roger Federer finally wins a personal grand slam.  Great job Roger, you were finally able to win on a clay court and get that elusive last victory to get the personal grand slam.  It has only taken you 20 years and playing a bunch of hyped up nobodies or washed up has beens.  You got Sampras and Agasi at the very tail end of their careers, and they were stil beating you and you have Nadal and and over hyped Roddick now.  So my question is, what the hell took you so long?  Sampras’ turd play tennis better than you.  It would be like if Joe Frazier boxed today.  He would kill any of the fools out there today, but could not get past Ali and Foreman in his own time.  Roger, Websters called, they are putting over-hyped in the dictionary and they want your picture.

• The Washington Nationals take Stephen Strasburg 1st overall in the MLB Draft.  It was a no brainer since this kid was so much better than the rest of the field, but it comes at a cost.  Scott Boras, “The Devil,” is his agent.  Here are a few of the things the Nationals will have to do to actually sign the kid.  Sacrifice three goats and a calf, Strasburg gets his own jet with naked flight attendants, Strasburg does not have to pitch if he doesn’t feel like it, the Nationals have to give him run support of 5 runs each time he pitches or the stats don’t count.  And lastly he will make more in the minors than the entire big league clubs makes currently.  Good luck with that.  Stephen, you pitch for the Nationals now.  Boom, roasted.

• Tiger wins the Memorial.  Tiger is not fully recovered and still winning.  PGA, boom, roasted.

• Paula Abdul is “not sure” whether she will return next season to American Idol.  Why not?  If you don’t come back you are going to sit around and watch TV and get hammered everyday.  You might as well get paid to do something similar.  All you have to do it pretend it is happy hour at your local bar.  You get to stay drunk, or medicated and watch (mostly) horrible karaoke.  Face it you were going to do that anyway.  Paula drinks like Mickey Mantle and makes about as much sense as Yogi Berra.  Boom roasted.

• The Brett Farve saga continues.  Like really bad Mexican Brett just won’t go away and tends to make a mess with each new development.  Brett, Chad Pennington thinks you throw like a girl.  Brett, Ross and Rachel called and said to hurry up and make a decision.  Boom, roasted.

• Boston is now 8-0 versus the Yankees this year.  Cost of new stadium, 1.5 billion dollars, cost of payroll, over 200 million, not being able to beat your most hated rival…priceless.  Boom, roasted.