Battle For Ohio

Listen you big beautiful audience, I'm about to drop some quick hits on you!

TGIF?  You’re damn right, because that means more quick hits for you and your loved ones!  So please, grab some popcorn, get a pop, sit back and relax, as I fill you in on the past week in the world of sports and a little beyond.

Ohhhh, so that is how he had enough energy to win the Home Run Derby?!

• Prince Fielder wins this years home run derby.  Funny that now that there is actual steroid testing in baseball, a big fat guy wins the home run derby, just like the old days.  First base was an obvious choice for Prince.  Being the size of a moon makes for a great target, plus when balls are thrown to him his own gravitational pull helped guide any bad throw back to him.  Boom, roasted.

• The American League wins the All Star Game again.  This makes 12 wins in a row, and 13 times they have not lossed (I am including that stupid tie).  The American League has owned the National League in inter- league play since its inception.  And since 1990 they have won more World Series titles.  Face it National League you are in worse shape than Georgia after General Sherman marched through it.  Boom, roasted.

• Brock Lesner defeats Frank Mir in UFC 100 to become the undisputed heavyweight champion.  He does it by using his extra 20 pounds and keeping Frank on the mat and pounding his face to hamburger.  But then like a true redneck Brock shows some really poor sportsmanship and talks horribly about Frank Mir in the post match interview and then proceeds in flipping off the fans.  That is not going to help your popularity Brock.  I rooted for him to win and even I was put off by his antics.  Ivan Drago called and he wants his shtick back.  Boom, roasted.

• Joel Hanrahan gets a win while not even being at the ball park.  Joel was the pitcher of record for a game that started back on May 5th and was delayed because of rain.  They were finally able to make up the game last week, over two months later!  Hanrahan has since been traded but because he was the pitcher of record he got the win being on a totally different team and not even being in the same ball park!    I would have guessed that major league baseball just felt sorry for him since he had to pitch for the Nationals and they were just randomly giving him wins to make up for that traumatic experience.  Boom, roasted.

• Speaking of the Nationals.  Manny Acta got fired as their manager over the All Start break.  That is what happens when you lose 62 of your first 86 games.  The Nationals are a little over pace to beat out the 1962 Mets to be the worst team ever, but they are in contention.  How great would it be to see the WORST team in MLB history after we finally got to see the Detroit Lions go 0-16?  The Nationals are so bad that kids tell stories of your games around the campfire instead of ghost stories.  Boom, roasted.

Richard must have been making out with this chick.

• Richard Gasquet, a french tennis star was able to return to play tennis earlier than expected.  He was busted for testing positive for cocaine.  It was an extremely low amount, however, and it was discovered that he did not knowingly take the substance but in fact ingested some after kissing a stranger in a club right after SHE had done cocaine.  I think we can all agree that this kind of thing happens all the time.  The real lesson here is, please don’t make out with a strangers nose, you never know if they have been doing cocaine or not.  Boom, roasted.

• Jonathan Sanchez of the San Francisco Giants flirts with a perfect game but settles for the no hitter.  Two things to be thankful for: 1. Aaron Roawnd’s catch while leaping into the wall in center field.  2.  A controversial called strike three to end the game.  One huge thing to be pissed about was an error in the eighth inning by Juan Uribe to cost him the perfect 0.  You were that guy, the guy that ruined someones else’s masterpiece.  It would have been like one of Michelangelo’s assistants painting an extra finger on God on top of the Sistine Chapel to be funny.  Juan, I hope you enjoyed your former life, because you are now Jonathan Sanchez’s bitch.  Boom, roasted.

No wonder she got busted, she is in the wrong seat and backwards, DUH?!

• Diana Taurasi, guard for the Phoenix Mercury,  got busted for a DUI.  Her blood alcohol was .17, over twice the legal limit.  She will be suspended for a laughable 2 games.  Thus proving that you can take a horse to water and can’t make it drink, which we all know.  But apparently if you take a horse to a bar it will get hammered and try to drive home.  Boom, roasted.

And, so, there it is another Friday chock full of wonderful nuggets from the world of sports over the last week.  Be sure to tune in next week for some more trivial facts with a fun little spin!