Battle For Ohio

Friday is here, Quick Hits is here, All we need is strippers and alcohol and we have a Pacman trap!

Who’s ready for another version of Quick Hits?  Raise your hands.  Haha, you morons I can’t see you and your boss now thinks you are retarded for randomly raising your hand.

It was a big week in the sports world and beyond and all you readers get some special Bengals coverage as well.  The only way your life could be better was if there were two of you!  I know you are at work but I say sit back and crack open a cold one and have a good read, you deserved it right?

I take NO responsibility for anyone that gets fired.

Is Curt running, or is the Sock? if they went head to head I think the sock would win.

• In the wake of Ted Kennedy cashing in his ticket to hell, Curt Schilling has expressed interest in taking over Ted’s empty Senate seat.  Curt is outspoken, brash and inflammatory, but truthful and he can be refreshing.  I say why not Curt Schilling.  He isn’t a career politician, so maybe he will actually try to get something accomplished?  I wonder what his platform will be?  “Real men filibuster with a bloody sock.”  Boom, roasted.

• A bad week for Michigan football gets worse.  After players on the football team apparently leaked that Michigan was practicing more than the NCAA rules allow, now it would seem that Rodriguez has been involved in a multi million dollar ponzie scheme.  Poor Rich just keeps surrounding himself with idiots and bad ideas.  If the stress to win now from the Michigan boosters don’t get him, the stress from all the money he is going to have to pay back will.  Or maybe a mobster hit man, who knows.  I feel like next week we are going to here that Rich was caught snorting blow off a transvestite hooker’s ass in downtown Detroit.  I mean that is about the only way life can get worse for him right now right?  Boom, roasted.

• Ricky Williams actually wants to stick around the NFL for another year.  The guy that just got up and walked away to blaze himself retarded and just “hang out” now wants to keep playing for “the man.”  Weird, I guess you need financial security to just lay around in your mansion and smoke weed all day.  I wonder if that is how he is getting paid, half in dollar bills, half in weed?  Boom, roasted.

Warning! We got a stage 5 clinger here!

• KARMA!!!!  Brett Favre suspects that he may have a cracked rib.  So, Vikings fans you have a 39 year old quarterback with a cracked rib and a partially torn rotator cuff.  Who’s regretting that decision now?  Signing Brett Favre was like having spite sex.  You know where you have sex with that one girl that your ex girlfriend really hated just to spite her.  But then you realize that she is a clingy mess of a woman, but it is too late because you are going to dinner with her parents tonight.  Yeah, that’s what you got Vikings fans.  Boom, roasted.

• Tiger Kitten chokes again.  It might not have been a major but with a chance to win on Sunday Tiger Kitten, for the second time this year, missed putts that he needed and that he normally makes and was edged out for the victory.  I won’t say Tiger’s Kitten’s reign is completely over but I don’t think that he will ever dominate like he used to ever again.  Operation new swing still needs some work I guess.  Boom, roasted.

• The old Chad is indeed back.  Chad Ochocinco was fined by the NFL for his orange chinstrap to the tune of $5,000.  I hope it was worth it Chad.  I know you want to stand out but is it worth $5,ooo?  If you really want to throw money away I am happily taking donations to the “George is poor fund.”  The good news is that this is nothing detrimental to the team, it is just Chad returning to his old harmless antics.  Chad, can you do me a favor and at least try to make them funny?  An orange chin strap is about as lame as Lindsay Loahn possibly posing nude for Playboy, hasn’t everyone already seen her naked anyway?  Boom, roasted.

• My how the mighty have fallen.  Pacman Jones is going to swallow his pride and play football in Canada.  I wonder why no NFL team wanted him?  Perhaps because they knew they would be paying full price for only half a year of service at best.  Good news for him, what kind of trouble can he get into in Canada?  Taking a gun into a Moose Lodge?  He will fit right in.  Is he going to get in trouble in a strip club?  Everyone knows Canada hates nudity, its too cold.  The only naked Bambi he is going to see is of the deer variety in the woods.  Well, at least he gets to carry a gun again.  Boom, roasted.

Bengals:

• The offensive line remembered how to block.  For as terrible as they looked against the Rams, they looked really good against the Colts.  I didn’t pay attention to who was in for the Colts defense but I have to think that it was a lot of second stringers, even to start the game.  With HippapotaSmith (thank you whodey revolution) out for at least two weeks, they should continue to get better.  This line is about as inconsistent as the service you get at Wendy’s.  Boom, roasted.

• Bernard Scott looked great running the ball.  Great, the 25 year old rookie looked good running the ball.  Cedric is signed for two years, by the time this kid gets the opportunity to start he will be like a couple years away from retirement.  Or even better, by that time he will have continued his criminal career that everyone was hoping he left in college.  But not to fear, we have Mike Brown the “Redeamer” to help rehabilitate him.  Boom, roasted.

'I got the starting job? Time to celebrate!"

• Rey Maualuga had another great game.  he might still rely a little too much on instinct and over pursue but he has shown quickness and toughness that this defense needs.  I even think he has shown enough to unseat Jeanty as the SAM linebacker.  Now where is Erin Andrews to celebrate?  Boom, roasted.

• Jordan Palmer has inherited the “Lets throw the ball in to tight double coverage and prove that I am a good quarterback” from his brother.  Jordan can have a great game but there is almost always at least one throw he makes where you scratch your head and think, why?  Calm down Jordan, You can use all that spare time on Sundays working on your nifty website, runpee.com.  Boom, roasted.

• Abdul Hodge makes this team.  Every time this guy gets an opportunity he takes advantage.  Will he be like the Jerry Harriston of the Bengals, the super sub, or will he be more like Ryan Freel, the super dud?  Well if he gets traded 5 times this year like Freel then I guess we will find out!  Boom, roasted.

• Pat Sims looked real good.  The rotation of Pecko, Johnson and Sims is looking mighty strong!  Get a fourth wheel there and you have something better than an American made car.  Boom, roasted.

• Brian Leonard and DeDe Dorsey continue to make cases for both players to be on this team.  I like Dorsey but we already have a fast shifty runner in Scott.  We need a more bruising runner for those 3rd and short situations.  Leonard is just that blunt instrument.  Brian how do you feel that I just compared you to a club?  Boom, roasted.

• Jerome Simpson looks to have some skills.  The tackle he made on his own player when Brian Leonard was on one of his long runs was pretty good.  If Jason Shirley can make the switch to offensive guard and I am sure Jerome can make the switch to safety, right?  Ugh, he is looking more and more like a wasted pick.  Boom, draft roasted.

• Sam Swank kicked a 49 yard field goal and booted a kickoff into the end zone.  I say keep swank and cut Graham.  They won’t because Shayne is the franchise player but seriously look at the tape, when was the last time, without a 20 mph wind going WITH him, that Shayne kicked the ball in the end zone?  I am not sure Shayne could kick a ball in the end zone with a bionic leg.  Boom, roasted.

• And finally I would like to take a moment to toot my own horn.  Man, after watching Chris Henry score in each of the pre-season games I sure am glad I took a chance and drafted him!  Me drafting Henry could finally get me out of finishing 5th in my keeper league for the first time ever.  Of course, it has the potential to blow up in my face much like the next gun that Chris Henry shoots off while wearing his own jersey.  Boom, roasted.

Another week of hilarity and misfortune strikes again.  I hope your week was as good as mine was when I was making fun of these fools!  Adios and see you next week!

P.S. If you see Chris Henry out and about remind him that people’s fantasy season may revolve around him.  And if you see him with 15 year old girls or armed with a gun, please take the heat for him, my fantasy life may be on the line here!