Battle For Ohio

Version 2.0!

Alright, welcome to version two of Quick Hits.  Because I am the most unlucky person ever just as I was finishing the first version of Quick Hits, which was a measly 1,500 words, Firefox crashed and apparently I had not saved and the automatic save must not have been working, because I lost everything.  I was so mad that I was going to make Quick Hits for getting fired for throwing my laptop.

So, here we are, round two, and if this doesn’t take there will not be a third attempt.

• Like something written in the book of Job! (What no former or current Catholics out there that were forced to read the Bible?)  Caroline Wozniacki, a polish tennis player, tried to do something nice by forfeiting her match while leading because she had an injury that would not allow her to play in the next round.  But as it turns out she was discussing this strategy with her father/coach in their native polish and a nearby microphone caught it.  Those crazy Poles got themselves a get rich quick scheme and in typical fashion turned it into a joke.  So many people made bets on that game at one time that it really stood out, to like everybody.  So now there is a WTA Investigation into the whole mess, for investigation of gambling, match fixing and tennis integrity.  (Wow, I haven’t been this intrigued in tennis since…..)

Of all the toupees you could have chosen, you went with that?! Maybe the meth had something to do with that too?

• Oh, holy crap it was just a couple days ago, when it was revealed that Andre Agassi was a meth head for about a year.  SAY WHAT?!  Yeah I about crapped myself when I heard about it too, Agassi was on meth?  Wow, that really explains the Brook Shields thing doesn’t it?  Turns out that Agassi was fighting a lot of demons and this was a chance to set them free.  I hope that he also let that old hair piece (yes it was fake) go free with them before Martina Navratilova gets a hold of it…..(Wait for it…..)

• Martina is outraged that Andre lied to pass a drug test and compares him to Roger Clemens.  What he did was wrong, but I think you are comparing apples to Cadillacs.  Roger Clemens used a steroid, that enhanced his performance and likely gave him the boost to be such and effective pitcher well into his 40′s.  Andre Agassi used a chemical drug that took him from being one of the top tennis players in the world and dropped him to 141st in the rankings.  Not only destroying his tennis career, but also effecting life decisions (the before mentioned Brooke Shields).  Yeahhhhhhh, you are definitely the same as Roger Clemens except the exact opposite.  Well done tennis, in one week you have managed to stir up enough crap and bad publicity that you are somewhat interesting.  There has been match fixing, integrity questions, drug use and the inevitable comeback story, another former star get jealous of the attention and calls the other former star out.  Wow, welcome to the depths of the WWE!  BOOM, TRIPLE ROASTED!  (When I started to set this up I was unsure if I could pull it off, but the more I got into it I just had to go for it, I got so excited.  I mean you have heard stories of the triple roast, or the TRI, as we call it, but it is rare to see it attempted, but for you guys, it was worth the risk.  I hope you enjoyed.)

Ahhhh, the funniest thing ever, Bobby trying to explain the "game face!"

• In an interesting conflict of interest story.  Bobby Knight is going to get paid 75,000 dollars from private boosters from Indiana so that Bobby doesn’t sue them.  Bobby is threatening because he feels that the University didn’t defend him when an assistant coach sued him for pushing and injuring him back in 1999.  The funny part is that the University is going to pay Bobby three times more than Bobby had to give for something he admitted to doing.  Does this make any sense to anyone?  But it gets even more contradictory when Bobby is invited back to Indiana to take part in the University Hall of Fame inductions of which he is part of.  Bobby said no thanks citing that he would distract from the other people who are being inducted and they deserve to have their day.  Don’t worry Bobby you won’t be any more of a distraction that day than you were any other day that you were there before.  Just try not to break out the “game face” when you have to receive your award.  Boom, roasted.

• Glen “My owner won’t call me Big Baby anymore” Davis is out for at least 6-8 weeks with a broken thumb.  I say at least because the Celtics have decided to suspend Glen indefinitely do to the nature of the injury.  He apparently broke it on his best friend from childhood’s face.  It could not have come at a worse time.  He has just come off a year in which he has to up his playing time due to the injury to Kevin Garnett and he played well enough to earn a 2 year 6 million dollar raise.  Now the Celtics are looking to see if they can void the contract because of how Glen broke his thumb and release him without having to pay him.  I sure hope that fight was over something important, otherwise you are going to have to move in with Latrell Spreewell.  Maybe you two can get your own show, Two Men and a Blackball, don’t worry I am sure Allen Iverson will be making guest appearances.  Boom, roasted.

• Larry Johnson joins the ranks of Keyshawn Johnson, Brett Favre and Terrell Owens when the Chiefs told him to stay away from the team.  Not good company, but he earned it.  You see he decided to take to Twitter and do some gay bashing.  The Chiefs are looking into whether ot not they could release Johnson and void his contract that goes through 2012 with 19 million guaranteed.  And with him being 30 and having logged a lot of miles it is doubtful that many teams would be willing to take a chance on him.  Even if they did there is no way he gets paid even close to what he is getting now.  Hope it was worth it Larry, you just had a self-inflicted implosion on the same level as Tonya Harding.  Boom, roasted.

War of the McCourts, coming to a theatre near you.

• If you are rich, married and work together then you need to read this story.  Frank McCourt, owner of the Dodgers fired his soon to be ex-wife this week.  He cited that she had an affair with her body-guard on a vacation to France that was supposed to be a business meeting and was billed to the Dodgers.  Jamie McCourt is suing the Dodgers to get her job back.  If the Dodgers were smart they would fire the both of them and lose the drama, because these two are just getting warmed up.  These are just the opening salvos, just wait, this is going to get worse before it gets better.  Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner called and said that they want to play Frank and Jamie in the movie.  Boom, roasted.

• A high school coach was arrested for bringing a knife to practice.  All he did was pull the knife out and threaten a player.  He didn’t even stab anyone.  Personally, there is no better motivational tool than a weapon of some sort.  The coach was even heard to mutter “don’t try me today.”  Or else what?  You are going to go all Crocodile Dundee on us?  Come on coach, get a grip this is high school football, you don’t use knives to threaten until college, duh.  Look for this Florida team to not hire Edward Scissor Hands to take over coaching duties.  Boom, roasted.

• Steve Phillips was recently fired from ESPN for having an affair with an intern.  While what he did was wrong, I don’t think that he had to be fired.  Who he is having sex with doesn’t alter his ability to analyze baseball.  He may be an awful husband (this is the second time this has happened he was fired from the Mets general office for a similar situation a few years ago) but he can still do his job.  My biggest issue is that the intern was UGLY.  Why is it that men will jeopardize their marriage for a down grade like that?  I am not going to condone cheating, but if you are going to do it, it better be worth it.  If he was having an affair with Megan Fox I would be a little more understanding.  Don’t worry Steve, Bill Clinton and Kobe Bryant called and said that this will all blow over, eventually.  Boom, roasted.

25 million reasons to fire your ass after this press conference

• Mark Sanchez is taking a lot of heat for eating a hot dog in the few remaining minutes of the 38-0 blowout of the Raiders.  I have no idea what the big deal is, after racking up 38 unanswered points I am sure the man was hungry.  But no need to fear, he has a great PR person and Mark will be donating 500 hot dogs and 500 hamburgers to a local soup kitchen.  T.O. called and said that he could give you 25 million reasons why that is a good idea.  Boom, roasted.

And there it is, round two.  I am not nearly as happy with this version as my first, but I will live with it.  I hope that reading this helps kick off your weekend, and remember if you are going to happy hour tonight make sure to not make any gay slurs, pull a knife on anyone, or have an affair with someone uglier than your spouse!

Special thanks to Tony who sent me some helpful links!