Battle For Ohio

You know I made that word up right?  Rosterology, preposterous, but awesome.  Today we are going to breakdown the Bengals roster and see who goes, who stays, and who would be nice to have.  It’s Friday and fake football is finally done for the Bengals, I’m in a good mood, so let’s get to it.

Quaterbacks:

In:

• Carson Palmer.  Duh, on the flip side, if he goes down so does this season.

• JT O’Sullivan.  Sadly.  This guy has the arm and accuracy of a 10-year-old girl.  But the Bengals feel comfortable with his “experience.”  I guess losing experience really IS what the Bengals are looking for.

• Jordan Palmer.  Only slightly better than O’Sullivan, but lets face it, he’s on this team because his big brother IS the team.  He’s better at telling you when to pee during a movie than moving the offensive chains.

Out:

It's lonely....at the bottom.

• Akili Smith.  He was so horrible I have to make sure that everyone knows that he is still out.

Need:

• Jim Sorgi.  The long time reliable backup for Peyton Manning found a new home this past year, the Bengals could have really used him.  *sigh*

Running Backs:

In:

• Cedric Benson.  He might have cried when he got drafted by the Bears, but I would have cried more if the Bengals let him walk in the off-season.  Thankfully he has helped me almost forget the shuffle stepping Rudi Johnson.

• Bernard Scott.  Break out year coming, might make the Bengals consider letting Cedric walk after this year.  Can he get it done 25 times a game though?  Luckily we don’t need to know the answer to that yet.

• Cedric Peerman.  Brian Leonard is hurt, so Cedric makes it for now, especially after last nights 93 yard dash for a touchdown.  Once Leonard gets back its sayonara though.

Out:

• James Johnson.  He must not have gotten the memo, we don’t collect Johnsons (Chad changed his last name, Landon is gone, Jermi ate his way out of the NFL, Rudi is gone) here anymore.  Seriously though, Peerman proved his case, James might know the system, but he’s the odd man out on cut down day.

Need:

• Barry Sanders and Christian Okoye to have a kid.  How awesome would that running back be?  Might be ugly and confused about how two men could have a kid, but he would be the best running back ever.

Wide Receiver:

In:

• Terrell Owens.  Who would dare cut “The Batman?”  He’s 6’2″ 225, he might be the only receiver on this team that wouldn’t break in half if Ray Lewis hit them.  Color me impressed if he makes it the whole year without being sent home.

• Chad Ochocinco.  We didn’t trade him when he wanted out and we could have got a 1st and 3rd pick for him, he damn sure ain’t going anywhere now.  Wonder how long he will be OK playing second fiddle to TO?

• Jordan Shipley.  Went from so-so draft pick (slow, short) to the latest “TJ replacement.”  Why label him anything?  Just let him go out there and get open.  He reminds me of a really smart back yard football player.

• Andre Caldwell.  Didn’t show much in the preseason, but showed enough last year to make this team.  Inconsistency hurt him, hurt him so much that Shipley is already ahead of him on the depth chart.

• Dezmon Briscoe.  Was targeted more than Matt Jones in the last game and made some fine catches.  He turns 21 soon, so he is quite young, but shows promise.  Came from a Big 12 school, so he is from a pass first offense and was a 1000 yard receiver at Kansas.  His future potential guarantees he will be picked off the practice squad, so he has to make this team.  More potential than Jerome Simpson, more polished.

• Jerome Simpson.  One step forward, one step back.  Story of this guys career so far.  He made a nice first down catch, then get a holding penalty.  He makes a great touchdown grab, then he creates a turn over by letting the ball hit him covering a punt.  The fact that our main two outside receivers are 32 and 36 gives Simpson the edge over someone like Cosby who will only play in the slot.

Out:

• Quan Cosby.  I hate to let a dynamic return man go, but the Bengals have plenty of guys on this team that can return the ball.  Bernard Scott, Jordan Shipley and Adam “I make it rain on Ms. Pac-Man” Jones.  So he isn’t NEEDED on special teams and there just aren’t enough spots open at receiver to keep him around.

• Maurice Purify.  Great special teamer, but inability to stay off the injury list and lack of production not on special teams does Maurice in.

• Matt Jones.  The TO signing was pretty much the writing on the wall for Matt. But just in case it wasn’t clear enough, Matt hasn’t had more than two balls thrown his way since the Hall of Fame game.  Done son, time to go coke it up.

Need:

• A better medical staff.  The Bengals wasted about 9 million dollars due to some snafu when the “medical staff” was examining Bryant knee.  Let’s go back in time shall we?  Levi Jones, Chris Perry, Sam Adams and Rashard Jeanty.  They were all looked over and cleared to play early or just plain misdiagnosed.  How long before the Bengals actually start to see this pattern?  Never if they are getting paid less than other team Doctors in the league.

You thought that little girl that threw up pea soup was bad? Wait till you see TO after getting shut out after a game!

• An exorcist.  Chad and TO on the same field, on the same team?  By the end of the year they are going to need a priest to expel the demons.

Tight End:

In:

• Jermaine Gresham.  I had my doubts about how Brat would use him, but to his credit Jermaine has come as advertised.  He is big and can catch, I love watching corner backs try to tackle this guy and just bounce off.  Will need to continue to work on the blocking though.

• Reggie Kelly.  The soul of this team and the mentor for Gresham.  Plus one of the best blocking tight ends out there and lets face it this team needs to protect Palmer at all costs this year.

• Chase Coffman.  A consummate whipping boy who has potential as a Dallas Clark type of tight end, one that can split out and help out in the end zone, that is if Bratkowski realizes that it is legal to use him that way.

Out:

• Dan Coats.  Yeah I wish.  He will make the team, but shouldn’t.  They could release this guy and no one would take him.  He has blocks of butter for hands and is only a passable blocker, a D- is passable.  I would think the Bengals could use the extra space somewhere else, like maybe keeping Cosby and not Coats, but after all the injuries at tight end last year they will keep him foolishly.

Need:

• An offensive coordinator that is in touch.  Brat is complacent and mentally challenged.  His plays are telegraphed and he refuses to think outside the box to utilize the weapons he has on offense.  This is a make or break year for him, he has so many tools and weapons that if the Bengals don’t finish in the top 10 in offense he should be fired.

Offensive Line:

In:

• Andrew Whitworth.  Love this guy, as a human being and as a team leader, but not as a NFL left tackle.  He gets beat a lot.  I LOVED him at guard, and I even understood the NEED to move him to left tackle after Levi Jones forgot how to play, but why have they not drafted a better left tackle?  Wait they did?  Andre “Fatapotomus” Smith.  But the goal was to put him on the right side anyway, hmmmmmm.  Whit is adequate, but I want better than that protecting Carson’s blind side, ya know?

• Kyle Cook.  After too many years of suffering through Eric Ghuicuc at center the Bengals finally have a bruiser in there that is consistent.

• Nate Livings.  The best option we have at guard.  That isn’t saying much, but that is what they are left with.  The best thing that can be said is that he is a returning starter.

• Bobbie Williams.  Thank God he came back.  He is the glue that holds this line together and while he is like 80 years old he is still BY FAR the best guard we have.  Still surprised the Bengals didn’t draft a guard higher as a Bobbie replacement.

• Dennis Roland.   At 6’8′ he is a pretty big boy.  Not a great player, but at this point he is better than Andre “Tub of Goo” Smith.

• Andre Smith.  Despite being an immature, lazy piece of crap, the Bengals aren’t quite ready to give up on him.  The good news is when the Bengals are finally done with him he has a bright future as a competitive eater.

• Anthony Collins.  Has real game time experience and can play guard or tackle.  If he could stay healthy he could take the starting right tackle spot from Roland.

• Evan Mathis.  The Bengals were working him out at center last night, which tells me that they want to make sure he can fill in anywhere in an emergency.

• Reggie Stephens.  He can play guard and center.  He is simply insurance.

Out:

• Otis Hudson.  But not to worry he will clear waviers and make the practice squad.

• A whole host of no names you have never head of.  You don’t care, I don’t care.  Hell, no one cares.

Need:

• Chuck Norris.  You put Chuck on Carson’s blind side and I guarantee he never gets sacked again.  Laurence Taylor would get his ass kicked by Chuck Norris.

Fullback:

In:

• Who the hell knows?  All I know is that the Bengals will keep one.  They have last years 7th rounder in Fui Vakapuna that they cut and then brought back, a converted linebacker in Dan Skuta and a college free agent in Joe Tronzo.  Not very confidence inspiring is it?  Hurt, learning and not very good.  Hope one of these fools can at least block.

Out:

• Does it matter?

Need:

After all that rolling around, that kitty is about to become a snack.

• The fat kid from “Hook.”  You know that fat black kid that can somehow turn himself into a giant bowling ball?  With his special talent he can clear out some lanes for Cedric Benson.  He can also please himself in ways that lonely basement living dorks can only dream about.

That brings the offense to a grand total of 25 players.  I almost guarantee that the Bengals keep all 4 tight ends which would put them at 26 on offense, but they also might go one less on the offensive line since Mathis was getting work at all positions.  They might be hoping they can get both Stephens and Hudson on the practice squad, like what they used to do with Livings and Mathis.

Tomorrow I will cover defense and special teams and see if I can’t round out what I think that roster should be.  Stay tuned roster nerds!