What a disastrous weekend. There is literally nothing good to say. UC got murdered in their bowl game, arguably the biggest bowl game in school history. They keep it close and they at least get a moral victory, but getting beat by almost 30 isn’t really close. I thought UC could at least put some points on the board, but I think they got shell-shocked early and Florida took advantage and stepped right on UC’s throat. Sure, their former head coach left them at the altar and sure, their replacement head coach had one foot out the door to Buffalo, but I can’t imagine that effected this group of 18-22 year old men at all. Pfffft, yeah right. They would have lost this game WITH Brian Kelly, but rewind all the chain of events that started the day Coach Kelly took the Notre Dame job, and maybe UC doesn’t start the game looking like John Daley after a 32 hour bender.

That's the girl I'm talking about. The warning signs are there, but you are too busy staring at her giggly bits to notice.
For as bad as UC looked the Bengals were even worse. 37-0. On the bad side of 30 and they got shut out. I knew not to expect much from the Bengals since they were guaranteed a spot in the playoffs anyway, but what happened yesterday is embarrassing. The Patriots didn’t have to win, but at least they showed up. I really think that the Patriots wanted to win that game, and they had no business trying, especially after that HORRIBLE freak knee injury to Welker in the first half. But I digress, this is not to applaud the Patriots efforts, but to admonish the Bengals for their lack of anything. If this were any other team I wouldn’t be worried, but what I saw yesterday was eerily similar to what I have seen all year. That looked like an offense that was trying, but failing miserably. Palmer wasn’t spectacular, but he can’t take the blame in this one. I saw so many dropped passes I thought that I was watching pee-wee football. Just a disgusting effort for a team that could have used a boost going into the playoffs. And what is the prize for limping into the playoffs? Well congratulations morons, you get to get your asses handed to you by the very same team. I sure hope you spend some time in the film room going over that “crazy wildcat” offense. Who knew you could do that? It’s like cheating! Memo to all 6 Bengals scouts: Clearly you guys haven’t made it down to Miami for a couple years, but this has been going on for a while. Thanks guys.
Well, I am certainly off to a good rant huh? I don’t try to be overly negative, but I think Cincinnati just had a collective awakening this weekend. That “ah-ha” moment when something comes into focus, normally right after that third cup of coffee that next morning. We, as Cincinnatians, just realized that in a way we were just dating Lindsay Lohan. Because isn’t that what being a Cincinnati football fan this season was like? Don’t follow me do you? That’s OK, I get that. Let me see if I can explain.
Stage 1: The hook up. Imagine you’re a guy who hasn’t been on a date in a while and suddenly the hottest woman in the club pulls you in for a dance. Of course you go along with it, it’s been a while and she’s hot, duh. The problem is that in this type of situation guys don’t question the sanity of a woman who is making out with us and dry humping us on the dance floor, right after slamming her 6th and 7th shot. Life is good in that moment, so we build a house and live in that moment as long as possible.
- The Bengals. Look at this team in the preseason. Palmer was coming back 100% healthy. Chad was in the best shape of his life. Chris Henry hadn’t done anything stupid in a year, Andre Caldwell and Jerome Simpson were working with Palmer out in Cali. They had made moves that they really thought were going to shore up the line, including drafting Andre “Flubber” Smith with their first round pick. Benson was back after tearing teams up in the last four games of ’08. How sexy did this offense look?! I mean sure I had MY doubts, but I am talking about Cincinnati collectively here. I mean on paper this team should have been competing with San Diego and Indianapolis as far as points and yardage. At first glance and if you are desperate for a winner you might have some pretty lofty expectations for this team.
- The Bearcats. Brian Kelly was back after taking his 11-3 Big East Champions to the Orange Bowl. Tony Pike and Mardy Gilyard looked to go out with a bang. There was no reason to think that Kelly and his Cats weren’t primed for another great season of football. There was little talk of Kelly going anywhere else, Notre Dame seemed content to let Wies have more time, especially with promising young quarterback Jimmy Clausen. Nothing on the schedule looked to difficult until late in the season against West Virgina and Pittsburgh. Who was living life better than Cincinnati football fans?
Stage 2: Warning signs. Somehow the night of passion has now turned into a relationship. Your not sure how it really happened. As you start to look back you find it odd that she happened to be at like every bar and club you went to for like a month, but you just figured it for a lucky coincidence, you know because you are a guy and you are dumb. Suddenly there are a lot of little weird things that you are starting to notice like that, but you keep down playing them or making excuses because your penis tells you that you are in love.
How do you miss with warning signs like that?
- The Bengals. Remember the Green Bay game? 13 penalties for 100 yards? Yeah probably not. Mainly because the Bengals were able to go on the road and beat a pretty good team. And that was coming after a very demoralizing last second win the week before by Denver. A wins a win right? Of course Bengals fans would turn a blind eye to something that glaringly bad, we are so desperate for a winner that we thought if we ignored it, it would go away. Maybe the Bengals themselves felt that way, because all year-long and it hasn’t been corrected.
- The Bearcats. Remember the Fresno State game? It was early in the year and it scared people until the next week when UC crushed Miami. The Bulldogs went for 290 yards on the ground on 57 attempts and was almost able to pull off the early season upset. They found the correct recipe to beat the Bearcats, keep eating up that defense that leaked like a submarine with a screen door and keep Pike off the field. Fresno State just didn’t quite have the personnel to pull it off. This should have been a BIG red flag. What happens when a team DOES have the personnel to pull this off? Gulp.
Stage 3: Awakening and Relapse. The fights have gotten worse, the weirdness is coming out in full force now. She is driving by ex-girlfriends houses, trying to make out with your friends to get you jealous, threatening to kill her self if you don’t put the seat down next time. You know, weird stuff. It’s all there, but for some reason you still can’t get past the hotness, and there is a new wrinkle to the equation, the amount of time you have invested. We are men, and as such we don’t like to waste. We would hate to think that we just wasted a whole year on something as trivial as looks.
- The Bengals. The Minnesota game. There was nothing about that game to like. The penalties were there, the inept offense was there, ‘ol man Favre and Adrian Peterson shredded the Bengals defense. It could not have been more evident from that game that the Bengals were NOT a playoff caliber team. But it was largely ignored. Selective memory, plus the Chargers game the next week was more important, so it was OK for the Bengals to look ahead a little. The writing was on the wall, but the Bengals were still in first place and still had a shot at a first round bye. It was going to be OK.
- The Bearcats. The Pittsburgh game. Well, it looks like someone did go to school on Fresno State and almost had the the team to pull it off. 55 rushes for 193 yards. UC could not stop the freshman phenom from Pitt, Dion Lewis, who had three touchdowns as well. Alright, so the first offense that was almost able to beat the Bearcats was from the WAC. The second offense that was almost able to beat UC was from the Big East. WTF is a top SEC team going to do to a defense that is going to be tired and beat up? Oh and don’t forget that this is when all the Brian Kelly to Notre Dame talk was really heating up. Distraction much? Ahhhh, but it’s OK, the Bearcats have one of the best offenses in NCAA, they will be able to hang with Florida in a shoot out right?

This is the moment that you think, "dear God, what have I gotten myself into?"
Stage 4: The straw that breaks the camel’s back. Maybe it was the time she tried to run you over in the driveway, maybe it was the time that she threw a knife at you, maybe it was the time she threw your Xbox out the window. Whatever it was there is that moment when you realize that for the last year you have been dating Lindsay Lohan. Maybe the alcohol is finally wearing off, but you realize that not only is she crazy, but she’s not really that hot either. What have you done?
- The Bengals. The Jets game. No reason to really beat a dead horse here, since I talked about this debacle in the beginning of this post. But I will say that this should be THE moment for Cincinnati to finally see what the Bengals are. They are not a playoff team, and they are not a well coached team. Well coached teams do not rank in the bottom 5 teams in the NFL in penalties. Playoff teams do not lose to bubble teams by a score of 37-0. Embarrassing and deplorable, the Bengals should be ashamed and worried. And not only worried about next week, but next year as well. There is no playoff team with more question marks than the Bengals, except maybe the Cardinals.
- The Bearcats. The Sugar Bowl. Again no reason to beat a dead horse, but finally UC fans get to see why the Bearcats had no business playing for a national title. UC had a very good football team, but not a great one. Nothing like watching your team get their brains beat in, in every aspect possible to bring you back down to Earth, am I right? The worst part was that Florida beat them through the air, they didn’t even need to exploit the poor run defense. It was just absolute domination, but it was just icing on the crap cake UC had been eating for about a month.
Stage 5: Acceptance/Thankfulness. Months after the horrible break up you start feeling better and then you see a tabloid while you are in line buying Orange Crush and you can’t help but smile. Lindsay got busted doing blow off a strippers ass in the bathroom at a Vegas hotel. You smile and are thankful, thankful that you don’t have to deal with that drama anymore, but also thankful for a year of unforgettable memories.
- The Bengals. Look, I will take 10-6 and a trip to the playoffs over 4-11-1 and a top 5 pick any day. This is a team that has toiled year in and year out for two decades, it is nice to see a winner, no matter how the fashion. Beggars can’t be choosers, right? Do I want more? Hell yes! Who doesn’t want to have the Colts as their home team? Of course I want this team to get better and actually build on this winning season, but for right now I will just try to enjoy what they did give me this year.
- The Bearcats. Yeah sure there is a bad taste in all our mouths right now, how can there not be. Brian Kelly is gone, Tony Pike is gone and so is Mardy Gilyard, and they laid an egg against Florida. But there is a lot to look forward to. We all got a pretty big dose of what Zach Collaros can do and that is pretty exciting. Butch Jones comes from the same offensive mind that was here previously. Plus you have to be thankful for Brian Kelly for making UC football mean something. They are not a SEC power house, but you have to crawl before you can walk, and these past 4 years have been good first steps.
So, just maybe all the weird, crazy, frustrating stuff was all worth it for arguably one of the best years in football that Cincinnati has ever seen.
Author’s note: This is not an endorsement to date Lindsay Lohan. In fact I would steer clear unless you want to spend the next 10 months recovering from injuries mental and physical and god knows how many STD’s.




Idaho vs. Bowling Green
Navy vs.


