
Yeah, Cincinnati saw a bunch of those symptoms over the last week.
Not the greatest of weekends for ‘ol Cincinnati. I mean for me personally it was pretty good, I got the new Droid phone by Motorola, offered by Verizon. It is incredible. I have not been able to put it down since I got it. It was like before I was using a 1990 bag phone compared to what I have now, it is amazing.
Now as far as the sports teams around here, well we have a mixed bag of sadness, disappointment, hope, and confusion. Add chocolate and crying to that list and I just described any woman when her monthly visitor comes to town. So, is it just Cincinnati’s time of the month?
Symptoms:
Bengals:
- Sadness. They lost Chris Henry last week and judging by the touchdown celebrations by Chad and Carson, they truly loved “Slim.” Chad was almost in tears after going to his knees in the end zone. Carson threw the ball up in the air just like Chris used to do, his own personal homage to a receiver that Carson would have loved to have more time with. And of course there were others on the team that were feeling the emotional pull during the game as well.
- Forgetfulness. I know this may not be a “symptom” of the monthly visitor, but if women out there are like my wife, she tends to get very scatter-brained and forgetful during this time. It seemed to be no different for the Bengals. 21 rushes total. Only 15 to Benson. WTF? Seems to me that ‘ol Bob Bratkowski got mad that the media and fans said that the passing game sucks, so they made sure to show that they can pass the ball. Ummmm, second and goal on the 2 and you don’t give it to Benson? WTF?! It was those kinds of brain farts throughout the game that lost it for us. Get back to what you do best, run the ball, wear down the defense and control the clock. That’s great that you remember how to pass and you can mix that in as needed, but championship teams run the ball. Oh and somewhere along the line Andre Caldwell must have forgotten that he wasn’t Chris Perry. HANG ON TO THAT BALL SON!

It was a pretty emotional week for the Bengals.
- Hope. Like some crazy emotional roller coaster the Bengals spared no feelings in this game. They tied the game with less than 2 minutes on the clock. They converted the two point conversion like they needed to. They were going to rely on the defense that has been so strong all year to get the ONE stop they needed to force overtime. It was all in front of them. The upset was within reach. Which leads me to…..
- Disappointment. They came up short. The defense could not make that stand. That makes two losses in a row for the first time all year, ouch. Benson was held under 25 carries and under 100 yards. The number 2 seed in the AFC is gone, which means the first round bye is gone. This game was the most important non-division game on the schedule. They needed this win, not only for the seeding, but to prove that they CAN beat a playoff team. Sadly, they came up short and now they have to wallow in that sick disappointing feeling. I just hope this doesn’t bring the host of self-esteem issues that normally follow with the MV (monthly visitor).
UC Football:
- Anger. Brian Kelly made the jump to Notre Dame. After holding a meeting with his players and telling them that he was staying put he takes the job that everyone thought he was going to take. How dare he string those kids along? How dare he leave a team with a chance at undefeated on the line? How dare he leave a team when the season isn’t completely over yet? How dare he not honor his contract? That’s a lot of “how dare he’s” huh? I tend to get those a lot when the wife has her MV in town.
- Hurt. Is UC not good enough? All UC was to Brian Kelly was a one night stand? A fling? How embarrassing. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. UC changed to be with Brian Kelly, but he would not change to be with UC, there was no compromise, what an ungrateful bastard. When UC found him he was toiling away in Conference USA. UC brought him in and gave him a home and all for him to turn his back on them.
- Rebound. Enter Butch Jones. The new head coach of Cincinnati. Notice like a good husband, the Athletic Director at UC wasted no time in hiring a good coach to replace Kelly. I know when my wife is pissed and there is something I can do to fix it, which is rare, I do it. Immediately. It helps make the rest of the day not look like hell on Earth, or in UC’s case, the rest of the season. UC handled this beautifully. They hired a good coach who knows the system already in place, but they are letting the interim head coach, former OC Jeff Quinn remain in place to coach the bowl game. Fans are still a little angry, but all the Brian Kelly talk is pretty much over. UC handled it like a band-aid that was just ripped off and did what they needed to make it better. Precisely the tactic that most (smart) husbands do when the wife is starting to spiral out of control on a certain problem that can be fixed.
- Acceptance/hope. This “stage” normally isn’t seen until a couple days after the MV is gone. But that is where UC football seems to be now. Kelly is gone, Jones is here. Talent wise there might not be too much of a drop off and he runs the same offense, so nothing should change too dramatically. It’s time to get over Brian Kelly and throw our full support behind Butch Jones and focus on what he can do for this school. It’s also time to stop worrying about the coach and worry about Florida and the biggest game that UC football has ever played.
Xavier Basketball:
- Self esteem high/low simultaneously. Xavier again went out and beat the more popular girl in school and won the heart of Cincinnati again this year. Every year Cincinnati pits the popular girl (UC) against the hot girl that everyone ignores because she is artsy (Xavier). And again the artsy girl shows some spunk and attitude and came out victorious and stole the heart of Cincinnati once again for a year. But with that win means that all the popular girl’s friends get upset and will make excuses for her. She wasn’t feeling well, she was bloated, she was tired, blah, blah, blah….So the city is torn between two lovers which causes Cincinnati to feel pretty good and pretty crappy at the same time. Just keep telling Cincinnati that the artsy girl is smarter and has a much better personality on top of being pretty cute and Cincinnati should be fine, going to take A LOT of reinforcement though, so be prepared.
- Anger and suspicion. Anger is bad enough by itself, but anger and suspicion together is terrible. Let’s say that you normally come right home from work everyday. So you are in that routine and your wife knows it. But lets say you know that the MV is in town, so you stop off and get some flowers on the way home. This of course alters the time you normally get home. During that time your wife is thinking up every worse case scenario that she possibly can. So by the time you show up with flowers she has already thought you were dead or cheating. Then you show up with flowers, so it was obviously cheating because why else would you get flowers, you must be trying to cover your own guilt right?! The exact thing happened at the end of the Xavier game against Butler. There was a lot that was out of the ordinary at the end of that game to arouse suspicions and anger, and rightfully so. I am not going to go into full detail, just watch the video and see if you don’t act like a suspicious, angry wife with her MV in town, I bet you do, I know I did.
- Confusion. Xavier is in the middle of an identity crisis. They have a new coach, a young team, and they don’t play consistent defense like they have been famous for doing over the last couple years. Their big men aren’t dominant and they are not good enough shooters to live and die by the three like they want to. Their only hope might be to run and gun and hope to wear out the other team. In any case, Xavier is more confused than Tiger is when he has to remember whose name to call out in bed. For my wife I find something positive to focus on, in this case it is tough, but you can think back to a couple years ago when they made that amazing run in the A-10 tourney, right?
Reds:
- Frustration. The Reds have done nothing so far in the offseason. This is like when your wife catches you playing video games when the bathroom hasn’t been cleaned in two days. I know the Reds have a lot of money locked up in Harang, Arroyo and Cordero, but the Reds have to be smart about what they do here. They traded away all their top-line closer prospects last year, and I am sure they want to get the most for their money for any of these guys. It might take a while to find the right deal, and don’t expect the bathroom to be cleaner than the last time I cleaned it either. The Reds are not going to get top dollar for any of these guys for a multitude of reasons. Age, recent performance, money, you name it. Yes we need a shortstop who can hit over the Mendoza line, and yes a catcher that is more than a ball returner would be great too, but temper the expectations and realize what we have to work with here. The bathroom will get cleaned, when people are coming over or when it actually gets dirty.
- Nausea. Some of the deal that have been floated out there concerning Harang have been enough to make me want to vomit. My stomach gets all tense and it just hurts. Don’t settle Reds, get what you WANT or more importantly what you NEED. Don’t make us fans curl up in the fetal position and about cry when you send what used to be our most dominant pitcher to some club for a no name triple A player that scouts tell you will never make it on a big league level. Damn, too late, I just threw up a little.
So there is a wrap-up of the last week or so of Cincinnati sports. Kind of an emotional roller coaster isn’t it? I haven’t been this emotionally confused since I lost my virginity and all my girlfriend did was cry. Boom, roasted.
Let’s see, we covered nausea, frustration, anger, confusion, suspicion, self-esteem issues, hope, hurt, rebounding, sadness and forgetfulness. The only thing we didn’t see was cramping and weird food cravings.
Not to fear though, these things only last about a week right? So we should be back to normal anyyyyyyyy time now, right? My fingers are certainly crossed!












